my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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