I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
