I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
