how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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