woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
