Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
