listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
