We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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