I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
