Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
you had me at cake vodka
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
