I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
