so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
