I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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