I'm gonna have a badass scar
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
