I want to walk on stilts...naked
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
