for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
