last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
