My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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