I was born with a shot glass in my hand
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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