Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
