Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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