would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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