I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize