Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
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Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
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You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
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