I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
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