Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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