Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
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