Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
