WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon