woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
