how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
