U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
