Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
