stop calling my apartment porn island.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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