Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
