3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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