I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
