I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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