Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
