oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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