She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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