The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
