I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
