1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
