Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
