i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
