dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
