She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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