i just wanna soil my oats bro
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
