My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Randomize
