Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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