My Higher Power is John Stamos
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
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